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|  | | | | Online Daters Lie About It | | | | | found on WSJ Online
written by Miguel Agullo, edited by Humberto (Plastic) [ read unedited ]
posted Wed 6 Nov 1:18pm | | | | |
 | "The Wall Street Journal is running a story on how couples who meet online often have trouble confessing to friends and relatives that they did so," writes Miguel Agullo. "This despite a surge in the use of dating services. Instead, many stick with prettied up stories about being introduced by friends, meeting at work, or meeting at church. They often don't tell the truth until things get serious -- and sometimes not at all. Meeting online sounds to many like a risky act of desperation, not to mention all those stories about Web maniacs. It's at least one rung lower than meeting in a singles bar. Do people agree that it 'looks better' to have met you future life partner on a random night at a 3:00 AM club dance floor than rationally selecting a good match online? "
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| | | | | | | 1. To Tell the Truth | | | | by Uncle Heavy |  | | | at Wed 6 Nov 1:34pm | score of 1.5 informative | | | | | | |
Meeting people online is a new phenomenon and as such is somewhat suspect at least for now. "I have a friend" who met his future wife online. Three years later they both still blush when asked how they met and neither one of them knows what the other one will say.
The vicious cycle continues as "respectable" people who meet online make up stories about how they actually met. The only stories that surface are those involving disasters or the "risky acts of desperation" portrayed in the writeup.
Years from now I think it will be much more socially acceptable for people to meet new friends online and the stigma will fade. For now suffice it to say that I met my future wife at the park when our kids were playing together. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
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| | | | | | 7. Re: To Tell the Truth | | | | by wallfly | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 2:06pm | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 1 | | | | | |
I agree. The stigma usually comes out of the ones that don't work out for whatever reason or from the attitude that you have to be desperate to date online; or date someone you met online. The other big reason (my theory anyway) is that there's still in the back of people's minds the horror stories of young girls going to meet some other young girl and then being abducted and killed by some 68 year old pervert. Not to mention the few and far between stories of housewives spending a lot of time online and then leaving their husband and children to be with someone they've never met. The fault there is the weak marriage and sense of commitment, but people like to blame the internet.
I have to admit I'm more open to the idea because I think it's about the same risk as a personal ad and you can actually take more time getting to know them online before you actually make that first phone call. I know. I've tried it. While it didn't work out, it's not for anything other than just simple lack of that needed spark in person. Sometimes you think everything's going great but then in person it's just somehow not quite the same and the relationship fades. And yes, I was reluctant to admit exactly how we met when asked about it.
However, I do have a friend that I met online about a year and a half ago and we still keep in contact periodically. Someone else I know even married someone they met online and have been happily married for 5 years. So this phenomenon isn't as new as one might think.
To be honest though, I think I'm still going to favor meeting people in person.
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| | | | | 8. Re: To Tell the Truth | | | | by Anonymous Idiot | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 2:07pm | score of 1 astute | | in reply to comment 1 | | | | | |
Years from now I think it will be much more socially acceptable for people to meet new friends online and the stigma will fade.
That might be true for friends, but I doubt it will fade for couples. Think about personal ads. They've been around for decades (longer?), and yet very few couples admit to having met through them. Either they seldom work, or people are fibbing to this day.
Placing a personal ad, be it in a newspaper or a website, is an admission of failure to attract a mate via conventional means. That's probably not true, but it's the way a lot of people look it.
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| | | | | 99. Re: To Tell the Truth | | | | by gem | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 11:20am | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 8 | | | | | |
Placing a personal ad, be it in a newspaper or a website, is an admission of failure to attract a mate via conventional means.
Why does meeting a partner online seem to be synonymous with placing (or replying to) a personal ad online?
I met my boyfriend of three years randomly in a chat room. I wonder if that sounds better or worse to other people? I've certainly had a few raised eyebrows when I've told people.
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| | | | | | 2. Sadly, true.. | | | | by afarouza | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 1:39pm | score of 1 | | | | | | |
Looking for love online is like posting an elaborate personals ad rather than submitting to an interview with a conventional dating service.
You get more space, it's cheaper, and you can post a picture - but it's still a personal ad (just a different medium).
Perhaps it's so shameful because they are an admittance of "I'm terrible at face-to-face interaction", or "I'm so ugly that you'd run if you saw me."
BTW, does anyone else remember those harsh sodium lights that would come on in a bar when it closes? Did anyone else call them 'ugly lights'? (the lights are so bright that they sober you up, and you realize just how ugly that dark and shadowy person you've been talking to all night REALLY is).
What would Jesus do? Hopefully, smite Creed.
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| | | | | | 3. Re: Sadly, true.. | | | | by skuunk | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 1:47pm | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 2 | | | | | |
There is however one major difference between an online dating service and a personal ad and that is "filtering". Often you put in your likes/dislikes and what you are looking for in a partner, your potential other does the same and you will only have to look through the matches as opposed to having to trawl through hundreds of personal ads.
The stigma is lessening somewhat (at least in "online" towns like San Francisco), but I did notice that one or two postings actually mentioned in their cover letters that they would like to date someone who could think of a good "story" about how they met (i.e. not online).
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| | | | | 10. Re: Sadly, true.. | | | | by adamrice | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 2:14pm | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 2 | | | | | |
but it's still a personal ad (just a different medium). I disagree. It's qualitatively different.
When you meet someone in a bar or some other relatively anonymous environment, you're making a snap decision about that person based on appearance and a few words of conversation. When you pick out a personals ad from the paper, you're reacting to a vague impression based on a very brief description or pithy witticism. When you let a friend set you up, you are relying on that friend's ability to serve as a filter.
With online personals, a lot of people are filtering based on a pretty lengthy checklist of objective critera (habits, religion, height, etc). These are not necessarily more or less valid than the other filtering techniques, just different. It gives you a different cross-section of the person. And different services have different checklists, and different balances between the checklists and the open-answer sections.
if irony were made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now.
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| | | | | 76. Re: Sadly, true.. | | | | by onnel | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 8:40am | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 10 | | | | | |
It's dating by resume. I'm not going to judge it as a good or bad thing, that's for the individual to decide, but that's still what it is (whether your resume says what business school you graduated summa cum laude from, what movies you like, or what your bra size is).
Onnel
-- I'm not a thief. I'm a peeping tom.
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| | | | | 95. Ugly Lights | | | | by BigBoote66 | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 10:55am | score of 1.5 informative | | in reply to comment 2 | | | | | |
From Prince's "U Got the Look" (1987):
U got the look
U must'a took
A whole hour just 2 make up your face, baby
Closin' time, ugly lights, everybody's inspected
But U are a natural beauty unaffected
Did I say an hour?
My face is red, I stand corrected
-BbT
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| | | | | 173. Re: Sadly, true.. | | | | by bigeyes | | | | at Sun 10 Nov 1:14am | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 2 | | | | | |
I thought everyone called them that. Every night, when I was bartending, I'd turn them on, look around at my regulars and yell goddamn, you people look like shit!
I'm torn about the online thing...I live in a cultural and intellectual wasteland, so it's tempting....but I've heard the horror stories from friends and clients alike. Maybe if people took their time instead of jumping right in? I think, too, if you just happen to meet someone online and "talk" for a long time before meeting, you may have a better chance of actually having something in common besides posting on a matchmaker site.
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| | | | | | 4. Love's Blossom and Thorn | | | | by gonzocanuck | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 1:55pm | score of 1 | | | | | | |
Salon is holding a match made in hell or heaven for online daters.
I met my boyfriend on Slashdot, we've been going out for two and a half years and are seriously committed to each other. The old methods of meeting guys didn't work for me.
You've got to coax him slow, that's the only way that he'll confess.
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| | | | | | | 5. Net Nerd Confession | | | | by HotTAMolly |  | | | at Wed 6 Nov 1:56pm | score of 2 compelling | | | | | | |
I met my fiancee online, and while I'm not ashamed to admit it, I've been surprised at the disdain with which my admission is often met. This, from coworkers and friends who routinely meet people at drunken frat parties or bikini bars, is utterly confusing to me. I'm not a very social person; I blush if someone even looks at me, so I'm not well-suited for the traditional dating scene. By going online, I found a guy who, like me, is a shy vegetarian Atheist who doesn't smoke or drink and is liberal sexually. We share the same political leanings, taste in food, music, movies, art... and I never would have met him without an online personal ad. I am not, nor have I ever been, ugly or desperate; it just happened that meeting people online was a good choice for me. I don't understand why this is such a hard concept for some people to grasp.
"The good life is one inspired by love and guided by knowledge." - Bertrand Russell
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| | | | | | 19. Re: Net Nerd Confession | | | | by Eric Blair | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 3:09pm | score of 1.5 informative | | in reply to comment 5 | | | | | |
I've kinda wondered the same thing. I didn't meet my wife online, I met her through the arranged marriage system. Sometimes people ask how we got together. People who are outside of my (and my wife's) ethnic group sometimes look puzzled when we tell them how we got married. Yet, some of these people have had divorces, multiple children through multiple partners, alimony and child-support payments, or are single and looking for a partner etc.
When you do something different, there are always going to be some people who don't "get it". Who cares about those people anyway? When you realize it, your life is happy and usually better than the people who treat you with disdain, and that's what counts in the end.
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| | | | | 28. Re: Net Nerd Confession | | | | by perrin | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 3:48pm | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 25 | | | | | |
Try yelling, "Shit! The keg's cashed!"
People usually grasp this concept pretty quickly.
-----
In this usage, by the way, "cashed" means "empty." However, I've only heard it said; for all I know, it's spelled "cached," or something else. Anybody out there know the spelling?
"How very strange that would feel, to be so well understood."
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| | | | | | 6. Telling Quote | | | | by Lieb |  | | | at Wed 6 Nov 2:02pm | score of 4.5 scholarly | | | | | | |
"Online dating seems so blatant. So predatory, almost," says Vanessa VanderVelde, a 33-year-old attorney from Minneapolis who met her fiance online on Labor Day and has yet to tell her parents the truth. "I personally always like to imagine that my special someone was out there waiting for me and we would meet in some very serendipitous, romantic way," she says.
I think this speaks to the real heart of the issue, no pun intended. That romantic myth that there is a perfect someone for everyone, that Mr. or Ms. Right, the one whose name was written for each of us in the stars, is out there just waiting to be stumbled upon. Not only is it not very poetic, internet dating just seems too much like WORK. It's too methodical, too businesslike. Match your interests, rate your pros and cons, find the most compatible homo sapiens in your area. Love is just supposed to happen, isn't it? There's no beautiful, quirky, funny story that quite fits the fairytale ending "and they lived happily ever after" that comes packaged with meeting someone online.
That prejudice isn't restricted to online dating, either. I have a good friend who met what turned out to be a long-term boyfriend (nearly a fiance, in fact) in a bar, which they both felt a little embarrassed admitting when being introduced at parties. So, to amuse themselves, they concocted a cute little story about meeting while skydiving and began telling that regularly instead. Deep down, I'm sure it didn't really matter to either of them how they'd met, but the perceived pressure was there - that picking up the "love of your life" at a bar lacks class, or somehow reflects poorly on the both of them as individuals. Multiply that by two or three with respect to meeting someone online.
I think it's kind of too bad - I know people, as I'm sure many plasticians do, who've had great success meeting and dating over the internet. I'm as much for romance and flowers and the whole schmoopy shebang as anyone, but I do think it's kind of delusional to believe that there is one, just one, and only one compatible person for each of us, and that any hint of effort or intellectualism in finding romance is utterly taboo. Can't we discard that silly handicap of a myth, and still be hopless romantics, crazy in love? I think so.
And, for the record, no, I did not meet my girlfriend online. ;)
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| | | | | | | 11. I was an online dater | | | | by LadyHermit | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 2:20pm | score of 2 compelling | | | | | | |
I had a married co-worker tell me when I was venting about another of my failed relationships, that he and his wife had met on Yahoo! personals. I was shocked. After that, whenever I would complain about the lack of available, decent men he would bring up Yahoo! personals.
Every so often I would look at the personals, but I couldn't shake the stigma attached to it. Finally, I got the nerve, and the alcohol, in me to post an ad of my own out there. I got 200+ responses in 3 days! I couldn't even begin to wade through them all, yet I tried.
I met 3 men in person from that group of 200. One of them remains a friend today who recently met someone from an online dating service. The other two, I have lost track of.
I pulled my ad after a week or so, I can't remember exactly anymore. Once I realized that I hadn't met "the one" I still browsed the Yahoo! personals occasionally, but nothing really struck me.
Then I found the posting from the man I am now engaged to be married to. We sent emails and then started talking at scheduled times on Yahoo's chat. We progressed to talking on the phone and eventually, he flew to Atlanta to meet me. We decided that weekend to be exclusive. He moved here a few months after that and last month we got engaged.
I consider myself very lucky to have met someone like him and we don't hesitate to tell the truth when people ask how we met. Once we answer, it's surprising how many other couples have met the same way.
some people don't know enough to know that they just don't get it
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| | | | | | 12. Bears shit in the woods, too | | | | by jefito | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 2:28pm | score of 1 | | | | | | |
There was a time in the not-too-distant past when you could bet money on the social retardation of just about anyone looking for love on the Internet. The high nerd factor, coupled with the fact that anybody can sit behind a keyboard and invent a new identity for themselves, didn't exactly add up to an environment conducive to meeting Mr. or Mrs. Right. Things have changed considerably since those days, but the stigma remains--hence the reference to "freaks and weirdos" in the article.
Add that to the existing stigma of ordinary personal ads, and of course people are going to lie about meeting each other online. A lot of people lie about meeting each other through 'traditional' dating services, too. Admitting you need outside help to get dates is embarrassing. Much better to say it was all about serendipity (and your powerful mojo).
What's funny is that online dating services can be a pretty decent way to meet people with whom you'd like to forge a lasting connection--certainly more effective than bars or clubs, for God's sake.
Back on Earth, there was cheering. --Kerry Fray, "Gaia & Chronos"
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| | | | | | 47. Why embarrassing? | | | | by TheMCP | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 7:20pm | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 12 | | | | | |
Admitting you need outside help to get dates is embarrassing. Why?
I'm not being obnoxious, I'm really curious: why is it embarrassing? The idea never occurred to me.
I'm utterly lousy at getting dates. I haven't had a date in... well... honestly, I can't even remember the last time I had a date, but my guess would be about four years ago. I've asked my friends for help but they seem to be unwilling. They seem to think it's somehow embarrassing to help me with it. I don't get it. I get tired of friends telling me I'm so nice and I'm so handsome and I'm such a catch and I'm certain to meet someone nice really soon. I've been listening to it for over a decade. I'm not buying it. If I'm so great someone would be dating me, and/or my friends wouldn't be too shy to help.
End of line.
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| | | | | 68. Re: Why embarrassing? | | | | by Anonymous Idiot |  | | | at Thu 7 Nov 2:55am | score of 0.5 informative | | in reply to comment 47 | | | | | |
Have you asked your female friends to try to set you up? Married female friends are the best source of potential mates in the "blind date stakes"; because they are secure in their own relationship, they are happy to set up their single friends. And they get the glory when it all works out. Don't know why, but it is true.
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| | | | | | 13. good and bad | | | | by adamrice | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 2:29pm | score of 1.5 interesting | | | | | | |
I've known people involved in good and bad online dating situations. Like the brother of a best friend, who wound up with a woman trying to get pregnant by him so as to get him on the hook. But I also know a couple that met years ago through a BBS system (remember those?) -- at an offline party, they quickly figured out who the other was, and resumed an argument they'd been having. Apparently, it continues to this day.
Me? I met someone online. We discussed whether to admit how we met, and decided we would, although when people ask how we met, I still occasionally joke "we were in 'Nam together."
What's funny (or mortifying, depending on your perspective) is when a friend runs across your ad online. This happened to me--I was at a party, and a friend sidled up and murmured "so, how's that Nerve ad working out for you?"
if irony were made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now.
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| | | | | | 14. worked for me | | | | by dylanr | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 2:35pm | score of 1 | | | | | | |
This is how my wife and I met. Couldn't be happier.
Sure, there's something a bit humbling about admitting that you're currently available and looking. But aren't we all, at some point... even briefly?
I don't see what's supposed to be so great about leaving your romantic life totally to chance. Why on Earth would you only want to date people who are either: - Friends, friends of friends, friends of the family, neighbors, schoolmates, co-workers, etc
or - Willing to approach you in a bar, on the street, etc.
In theory there should be no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there usually is.
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| | | | | | 50. Re: worked for me | | | | by TheMCP | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 7:32pm | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 14 | | | | | |
LOL
I actually did date someone I met on the street once. He just walked up to me on the sidewalk and made a pass at me. I figured "what the hell", my life was going badly anyway so I had little to lose, and he was cute. I dumped him three months later, but only because he had obviously lost interest and wasn't admitting it. Actually, I think dating someone forward enough to do that was a good idea for me.
To each their own.
End of line.
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| | | | | 89. Re: worked for me | | | | by bigstevec | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 10:33am | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 14 | | | | | |
Worked for me, too. Just got married September 14.
I turned to on-line dating services as an alternative to the bar/work/social thing. I had been dating some, but not as much as I'd have liked. I'm not very good at small talk but, otherwise a decent conversationalist. I've never been the type of guy that puffs his chest out and oozes pheromones out his pores like the guys who can pick up women in bars, so on-line dating was an acceptable alternative. Same goes for my wife, she's beautiful, but not the kind of beautiful that gets picked up in a bar.
As to the stigma attached, we found that (other than her very old fashioned parents) everyone who was close to us didn't seem to care how we met, they were just happy that we each met someone. For those people on the fringe that we're not close to, like work type people, we'd just say we met at the bar where we first physically met. Not a lie, technically.
"These are my principles. If you do not like them, I have others." Groucho Marx
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| | | | | 174. Re: worked for me | | | | by bigeyes | | | | at Sun 10 Nov 1:32am | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 14 | | | | | |
That's a pretty good call, to a certain extent. I could meet someone in a bar, but do I really want to date an unemployed alcoholic? And if you really want to get a massive blow to your self-esteem, ask a relative or coworker to fix you up and just see who they think is right for you! Eeeeeewwwwww!!!!!
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| | | | | | 15. You think online is bad?! Try the babysitter!!! | | | | by David Flores | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 2:37pm | score of 1 | | | | | | |
You think telling people you met your wife online is bad? Try telling people you met your wife when she was working as you landlord's Au Pair! People look at you like you're some sort of twisted child molester (but she was 28, guys, not 16 like yer thinkin'!)
Heck, I've come to just tell people that "she was the prettiest girl I could afford from the June issue of Asian Brides and Babies." The truth is so much more embarrasing!
GAFB and GAFB2
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| | | | | | 16. I met my wife online | | | | by TheHaas | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 2:40pm | score of 1 | | | | | | |
It's true -- through an online dating site (I wouldn't call it a "service" because you entered in your info, and looked through others profiles . . .you know the game). We handled it by not saying anything until we were asked. (Her parents knew at the time when we met in-person, because she was living with them at the time).
Surprisingly enough, she's not a nerd -- in fact, sometimes she's not really that technically proficient (me, OTOH . . .). And, in a lot of cases, we really don't even have that in common (politics, taste in reading). But we communicate well, and we think the same people are stupid and the same people are smart (though not always for the same reasons), and I'm continuing to learn tons from the way she looks at the world.
I would have never met her in Meatspace, because we ran in such different circles. But I'm glad we got together.
My family is dysfunctional and my parents won't empower me. Consequently I'm not self actualized. -- Calvin
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| | | | | | 17. Fessing up... | | | | by xombii | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 2:45pm | score of 2.5 compelling | | | | | | |
I have to admit, this story rings very true for me. I met my fiance online (she contacted me through an ad I'd posted) but at first, when it came to family and friends, we stuck to a "friend of a friend" story.
I think its self-insurance just in case it doesn't work out. If the person turns out to be a freak that's bad enough, but let anyone close to you who may not quite understand find out that you met online and its "Well no wonder! The internet is full of freaks like that! You're lucky to be alive!"
On our first date we met on my lunch hour... it turned into a three hour lunch and we both left with stars in our eyes.
We're quite happy with each other and have no trouble telling the truth about it now but for some reason those first few people who asked got our cleverly constructed ruse instead of the simple truth.
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| | | | | | 18. In the flesh is "anthropologically-correct" | | | | by Adrian |  | | | at Wed 6 Nov 3:02pm | score of 3 intriguing | | | | | | |
Each story (on-line dating or off) is unique and generalizations only go so far. But since this is a generalization thing I will communicate my general impression.
Abstraction of our physicality does take a lot of the passion away. Depending upon the writer, words are poor substitutes for body language. No exchange of e-mails has given me emotions as strong (and reassuring) as an exchange of glances with a girl at the other table, and the entire game of seduction lacks something essential when your representation of the other is, at best, pixelated Web cam images. Circumspection, false expectations and backpedalling, are probably more common to on-line relationships than to classic ones.
And, of course, there's the "serendipity" component. Whether or not we believe in a perfect match, a random encounter does have, psychologically, much more going for it than the calculated ones. We spontaneously associate the former with the notion of adventure (romanticism), and the latter, with that of convenience (pragmatism).
These perceptions are probably shared or known intuitively by those involved in on-line relationships, and that, I think, is the reason for their reluctance to confess. They realise that telling the truth might put a damper on their story, robbing it of the romantic vibe.
Then again, the most charming romance I've witnessed (almost in real time) has started and developed on-line. Of course, they both have a privileged way with words, so your mileage may vary...
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| | | | | | 78. Re: In the flesh is "anthropologically-correct" | | | | by geekybob | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 8:57am | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 18 | | | | | |
True, and quite astute, Adrian. However, I found online dating to be effective for one key reason: it enabled me to eliminate unsuitable candidates.
I used to spend a lot of time on one-to-three month relationships that went nowhere because the people with whom I shared an initial 'spark' were ultimately wrong for me, or I for them.
I finally built a small Web site, and placed ads in AOL's old "Personal Folders" (OK, this was 1995) that pointed to it. The Web site had a few photos, general information, and three key pages: What I was looking for in a partner, what I could not accept, and things that others might find unacceptable about me.
For example, on one page I explained that I would not date a smoker, or someone who didn't like cats, or a country music lover, or a Republican; on another page, I pointed out that women looking for a "financially secure" man, or someone big & muscular, or a devoutly religious person would not want to date me.
This worked out very well. I met a lot of interesting women, and had a really fun time... and nothing came of it. I eventually married a woman I met by chance at Sheremetyevo airport, who turned out to be perfect for me.
I'm not a Democrat, I'm a liberal. Democrats go to meetings.
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| | | | | 135. Re: In the flesh is "anthropologically-correct" | | | | by Adrian | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 2:19pm | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 78 | | | | | |
I've always been wary of "filtering". I have as many prejudices related to physical or personality traits as the next person, but I'd rather judge a real woman - spontaneous gestures and ineffable details available to immediate observation - instead of a computer printout. Also, at least once I've been judged (and rejected) based on my happenstance on-line projection. It's a nasty feeling of unfairness and downright absurdity.
Falling in love, if that's what you go for, takes something else than the mere correspondence of any set of objective guidelines. And the outcome of your dating experience, Bob, is a nice illustration of that.
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| | | | | | 21. Yawn, this again? | | | | by eduardo | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 3:19pm | score of 2 obnoxious | | | | | | |
Bellow and above in this thread, you will surely find dozens of testimonials about the wonders of on-line dating, etc. I say: good for you, but it makes sense to be ashamed of it anyway.
People have all sorts of excuses for posting and answering ads: "shrinking dating pool" is a popular one. Ever notice that good looking people with a good sense of self never have this complaint? The real reason is cowardice.
When you meet someone in the real world, you have to take a risk. You see a beautiful woman, you want to have her. But here is a test: you need the guts to talk to her. Rejection is possible. She may be gay. She may be married or involved. Heck, you may be too short, too fat, or too poor for her. Do you dare face that risk? If you do, then there's a reward: you might get the woman you crave.
Online dating doesn't have this risk. First of all, you automatically know that everyone involved is as desperate as you are. It's not like a woman whose ad you answer is going to say "I am married." In fact, you know your chances of getting spoken to are good. You know what she's looking for.
The problem, though, is that you end up settling for women who are "attainable" rather than ones that make your heart race. In reality, online dating limits your dating pool to the kind of cowardly desparate people like you. Perhaps it's a good thing. May be it works for you.
I am not saying it's impossible to meet a good mate online. What I AM saying is that the cowardice and desperation associated with online dating is grounded in reality of the situation. Cool people don't meet women on-line, they meet them in nightclubs, etc. So even if you're one of the desperate people - why would you admit it to your coworkers and family?
J'ai une petite amie avec des tres, tres grandes tetons.
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| | | | | | 30. Re: Yawn, this again? | | | | by VocisInritare | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 4:04pm | score of 3.5 brilliant | | in reply to comment 21 | | | | | |
I am not saying it's impossible to meet a good mate online. What I AM saying is that the cowardice and desperation associated with online dating is grounded in reality of the situation. Cool people don't meet women on-line, they meet them in nightclubs, etc
Whew...damn, are you gonna get creamed on here. I don't know about your experience, but my experience is that the "cool" patrons of nightclub or bar environments are usually fuckwit frat and sorority types who may project a glam, attractive image, but who have little but their carbon copy, empty bodies and trite, shallow conversation and motives to offer. In fact, of the amazing people I've met in my life, NONE of them have come from a bar/nightclub introduction.
That being said, however, I'm willing to admit that the above description is a very black and white interpretation of my own experience. I'm sure fascinating, intelligent people meet and make true connections in nightclubs, despite the fact that I've never seen it. Why the need to pigeonhole online daters as desperate cowards? And what does it matter how people meet, anyway? What matters is if they make lasting connections. Seems to me that the chances of making lasting connections can drastically increase when people are able to choose others on the basis of common interests and personality. And people can still get rejected online. Who cares if it's in a less painful way? Also, you choose to ignore the fact that, however a couple meets, for the relationship to work and develop successfully, both have to make themselves vulnerable, and cowards can't do that. Bottom line, there are MANY happy endings posted in this thread alone, and frankly, you sound bitter. Why is that?
....stand absolved behind your electric chair, dancing.... -- Jeff Buckley
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| | | | | 35. Re: Yawn, this again? | | | | by gbv23 | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 5:24pm | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 21 | | | | | |
ouch------I met lotsa good-looking and confident chicks on-line. I would not say desperation characterized them. At first I think I did have an air of desperation but my confidence improved greatly after meeting several in person. Honestly if you want to actually MEET people and do some DATING, I heartily recommend the on-line thing. I've been with the same gal (from match.com) for about 8 months now and going strong.
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| | | | | 36. Re: Yawn, this again? | | | | by eduardo | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 5:55pm | score of 1 obnoxious | | in reply to comment 35 | | | | | |
I don't know why a good looking woman with no issues would post an online ad. It's not like it would reduce the number of jerks that try to pick her up in real life. If she's got no decent guys trying to pick her up, then there's something wrong with her ;-)
I dunno, I've always managed to meet people in the real world (I don't necessarily think all on-line women are bad. I met some girls on AIM that I ended up hooking up with, but I IMd them for the purposes of talking when bored at work, not as a online dating thing. I never explicitly went out online looking for love) so it's hard for me to understand why people feel they need to use the internet to meet people. Somehow most people I know do just fine meeting people in the real world. May be it's just a different perspective.
The main motivation for this view is that sex and relationships, underneath it all, are a very primal thing. There's either something about a potential mate that makes you go ROAR!!!! or there isn't. By meeting women in real life, one ensures that that animal attraction is there. Then you subject the person to personality criteria checks, etc. By doing the on-line thing, it seems as if you eliminate that purely animal aspect of it. By the time you meet a person, you're too interested in their personality to give consideration to that chemical hormonal spark that makes people approach the one they want in a crowded room.
I don't mean to be a hater. At all. As I said in my original post, more power to you if you met the love of your life online. What I don't understand is why a "normal" person would resort to it. May be I am too stupid to understand. But chances are, even if it's my fault for not understanding, that other people have the same misconception. Which is why it's in your best interest to not tell your coworkers that you met your chick online. In a business environment you need to maintain an image of a leader, ambitious, driven go-getter. Online dating (or rather the implicit failure at real-world dating) detracts from that IMAGE (whether the assumption of cowardice is correct or not is pretty much irrelevant - though I do have my view on it.)
Basically, it's not to your advantage to be associated with "online daters" even if you happen to not have all the negative attributes of one.
Once again, I apologize to all the people (and there's plenty of them on plastic, it seems) who've met their loves on the internet/mail order catalogs. I meant no disrespect!
J'ai une petite amie avec des tres, tres grandes tetons.
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| | | | | 44. Re: Yawn, this again? | | | | by version5 | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 6:56pm | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 36 | | | | | |
"I don't know why a good looking woman with no issues would post an online ad."
You seem to have a very narrow view of the world, and are very quick to judge a group of people, who you yourself admit to being ignorant about.
"sex and relationships ... are a very primal thing.... By meeting women in real life, one ensures that that animal attraction is there."
I know a woman. She's is incredibly sexy, funny and intelligent and she's probably one of the most beautiful girls I've ever met, but in terms of physical beauty, she's probably average. I didn't realize this until I discovered she was a little insecure about her looks (as women often are). I was confused. I wanted to say that she was like a supermodel, that she should have no reason to feel insecure... but then I really looked at her, and I realized that she wasn't perfect. For some reason, I had never noticed this.
Now, I go to nightclubs all the time and talk to a lot of what you might call hot girls, but a lot of the time, they open their mouths and I am bored and it instantly kills any attraction I had.
The moral of the story is that its all subjective, even your "animal attraction". Its all fundamentally an illusion, it all depends on what your personal illusion is. For some people, this can be discovered online. For you, probably not.
"That is cool." - Abraham Lincoln, Cooper Union Address, 1860
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| | | | | 46. Re: Yawn, this again? | | | | by adamrice | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 7:09pm | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 36 | | | | | |
By doing the on-line thing, it seems as if you eliminate that purely animal aspect of it. By the time you meet a person, you're too interested in their personality to give consideration to that chemical hormonal spark that makes people approach the one they want in a crowded room. Not true. Things do happen in a different order--you establish the common interests before you establish the chemistry--but anybody who is being honest with him/herself knows the chemistry needs to be there.
I went on my share of Internet dates that sounded like they should be great on paper (or on screen, more accurately), but that fell flat in person. I have no illusions about that. Or where one person was clearly more interested than the other. A few where there was immediate chemistry. And one where it took a few dates for that chemistry to really percolate.What I don't understand is why a "normal" person would resort to it. What I don't understand is why people would stigmatize it this sharply--especially an apparently younger person who probably had the Internet in his life since he was a teenager. It's another option for meeting people. Big deal.
if irony were made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now.
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| | | | | 49. Re: Yawn, this again? | | | | by automaticvenus | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 7:31pm | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 36 | | | | | |
The main motivation for this view is that sex and relationships, underneath it all, are a very primal thing.
Of course it is. It's difficult to have a relationship when there's no sexual chemistry. However, that does not preclude the fact that it can't take place with someone one meets online. One of the "supposed" rules about online dating is that one should meet the person within four or five days of emailing just to see if there is such a feral attraction so one doesn't waste too much time.
I'm not sure I personally believe in that particular rule, but I can maybe explain why online dating has its advantages.
I'm a 6-year veteran of online dating and have had nothing but good experiences. When there was no mutual attraction, we ended up as friends because we spent the time getting to know each other to some degree.
Why did I go online? Well, that's because the type of man I like is not one to slink up to me in a bar and whisper in my ear and throw some witty, sexy (and usually pathetic) line my way. Not to mention, I really don't hang out in bars. The man I was looking for is geeky, brilliant, well-read, and well-rounded; exactly the sort that happens to spend more time online instead of in bars. I say was because I found him and, trust me, the attraction was far more feral because I knew a bit about his brain as well.
Isn't it disappointing to find a gorgeous person in a bar with nothing going on upstairs? Online, the reverse may happen, but you may just end up with a new, smart friend.
Perhaps part of the stigma comes from people NOT admitting to online dating. It's on the verge of becoming a cultural norm. Remember the stigma of interracial dating decades ago? Now we don't even notice or care. The same will happen with online dating.
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| | | | | 52. Re: Yawn, this again? | | | | by Jojo | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 7:48pm | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 36 | | | | | |
I don't know why a good looking woman with no issues would post an online ad. It's not like it would reduce the number of jerks that try to pick her up in real life. If she's got no decent guys trying to pick her up, then there's something wrong with her ;-)
Had you considered that she might not like going to "cool clubs" to meet men, because they tend to be full of shallow, arrogant men in search of a quick bang, not a long term relationship?
Perhaps she likes smart, witty, friendly guys, and the easiest way to filter them out of the crowd is by using an online dating service. She can sit back in the comfort of her own home and browse through the guys, finding someone who is a potential good match, and contact them. By taking the initiative, doesn't this suggest she might be self-confident and knows what she is looking for, rather than the cowardly, socially-inept nerd you imagine?
Cheers,
Jojo
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| | | | | 53. Re: Yawn, this again? | | | | by sglover910 | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 8:01pm | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 44 | | | | | |
> You seem to have a very narrow view of the world, and are very quick to
> judge a group of people, who you yourself admit to being ignorant about.
That seems to sum her up pretty well. Kind of amusing how she says she didn't mean to offend anyone, when the overwhelming majority of her posts seem to have no other purpose. But I digress....
> I wanted to say that she was like a supermodel, that she should have no reason to feel insecure...but
> then I really looked at her, and I realized that she wasn't perfect. For some reason, I had never noticed this.
Conversely, I have often noticed how, in the course of a romance, subtle features become more prominent, and lovely. Attractiveness and desirability can definitely grow with familiarity.
I had your nightclub experience when I returned to university in my 30's. There was a feast for the eyes in every direction. Many many times I'd see a nice creamy nubile honey who was gorgeous, up until the moment she started to talk. I assume women have the same letdown.
I've met women from the on-line world, I've met women through friends, I've met women in coffee shops, I've met women because I liked how they looked and asked them out cold. Each method can succeed or fail spectacularly. Kinda like relationships in general, y'know....
An argument isn't merely nay-sayings and contradictions! M. Python
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| | | | | 61. Re: Yawn, this again? | | | | by eduardo | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 10:23pm | score of 1.5 scholarly | | in reply to comment 49 | | | | | |
Perhaps part of the stigma comes from people NOT admitting to online dating. It's on the verge of becoming a cultural norm. Remember the stigma of interracial dating decades ago? Now we don't even notice or care. The same will happen with online dating.
Well it depends. Dating a black girl is mad cool. Dating an asian girl is the same type of cowardice as online dating!
Haha mod away
J'ai une petite amie avec des tres, tres grandes tetons.
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| | | | | 62. Re: Yawn, this again? | | | | by WhoAreWe | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 11:06pm | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 61 | | | | | |
Perhaps part of the stigma comes from people NOT admitting to online dating. It's on the verge of becoming a cultural norm. Remember the stigma of interracial dating decades ago? Now we don't even notice or care. The same will happen with online dating.
Well it depends. Dating a black girl is mad cool. Dating an asian girl is the same type of cowardice as online dating!
Haha mod away
What about dating an Asian guy? (Ooooohhhh...)
Colorblind? Why would I ever want to be willfully blind?
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| | | | | 63. Re: Yawn, this again? | | | | by eduardo | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 11:09pm | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 62 | | | | | |
What about dating an Asian guy? (Ooooohhhh...)
Actually that's admirable when an asian guy is going out with a white girl. My ex is dating an asian guy and it's working really well. When white guys date asian girls, it's more like they are getting a pet or something. Their mentality I mean.
J'ai une petite amie avec des tres, tres grandes tetons.
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| | | | | 72. Re: Yawn, this again? | | | | by mekon | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 5:37am | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 36 | | | | | |
I don't know why a good looking woman with no issues would post an online ad. It's not like it would reduce the
Really, who has no issues?
-da mekon
"I heard Tom DeLay's blood was in the water and the sharks were encircling, but unfortunately, it turned out a metaphor
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| | | | | 88. WHA?! | | | | by VocisInritare | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 10:26am | score of 1.5 | | in reply to comment 63 | | | | | |
Are you for REAL?! Holy fuck. I'm not even going to attempt to try to dissect your clearly (and proudly?) racist stereotype of Black and Asian women (and white men who date them). It's always shocking to me when people openly express their ignorance and willingness to stereotype. I'm just going to, as calmly as possible, through clenched teeth, BEG you to not reproduce.
....stand absolved behind your electric chair, dancing.... -- Jeff Buckley
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| | | | | 93. Re: Yawn, this again? | | | | by profpeach | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 10:51am | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 36 | | | | | |
What I don't understand is why a "normal" person would resort to it.
Well, one reason is moving to the fucking boonies. Not that there are no people living where I do (central coast of California), but the lesbian population is small and I found it next to impossible to meet women that I wanted to talk to for more than ten minutes.
So, when I was trapped in front of my computer writing a long report two years ago, I started reading the ads on PlanetOut. Despite an truly awful interface, I found the ad than led to a commitment party just three weeks ago.
There is a stigma still associated with meeting someone online. There's the loser tag. And to tell the truth there are some human disasters that seem to squat on the online services like vultures. The same ads, month in month out. But there are some great people too, who give this thing a shot and luck out.
We got over being shy about explaining how we met and put the ad on the invite to the party.
I say to them, "Tell that to the lizard people, pal." - rantor
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| | | | | 97. Re: Yawn, this again? | | | | by dmoynihan | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 11:08am | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 63 | | | | | |
Really, pet. And I a coward.
Have to tell my wife that. She's a full-time journalist. Born in Shanghai. Couple years there I worked at a lame IT gig so we could have health insurance/mortgage while she furthered her career (am self-employed now so she gets the health insurance... but I make more). There's no way in hell I would have taken up "nursing" for a girl born here (had journalistic ambitions of my own at one point, though I'm much happier now).
Whacked part is, I know a lot of guys, all of them still employed in IT (mostly network/Cisco types), with it but won't be going to grad school this century, all of them married external.
No procured Russian brides, but yeah, a lot of Asian, lot of Spanish-speaking, couple East Europe (I live in Montgomery County, MD so not exactly the bible-thumping hinterland), and not one all-American girl at the cookout.
There are any number of reasons why and how we all paired up. But one pattern I see, every guy, is this: undergraduate, some college, 1994. There are tons of women's groups on campus now, of course, and they're vocal, but that magical year it hit some peak--one in two are raped; THE VIOLENCE; 'remembered' childhood traumas; take back the night... whatever--completely over the top, and I've talked to a couple women I knew then, and like they won't even acknowledge it. This year is in the back of a lot of guys' minds.
What's amusing to me about your posts is that at least one of you is a guy (though, based on the glowing manner in which your track your ex's dating success, obviously a whipped guy, so perhaps not the best sample). Ladies born stateside take the same approach to Asian competition as Microsoft does to Linux or Intel to AMD. Based on some of the stares we get, I half-expect to be taken aside and told about thermal problems associated with my spousal model.
To you women with that stare, I just want to say it's not our fault you're single at 41 and gave it all for a career as a mid-level manager in some lame government agency. To you guys who echo that sentiment, well, thinking that way is not getting you laid, is it?
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| | | | | 123. Re: Yawn, this again? | | | | by velo | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 1:48pm | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 36 | | | | | |
"I don't know why a good looking woman with no issues would post an online ad."
Not all women who seek to meet someone online POST an online ad. I (male) posted an online ad, and my girlfriend had paid for the privilege of browsing internet ads. She never posted an ad herself. (it pays to know how these services work, if you're talking about their customers)
As for physical attraction, and what makes you go ROAR! inside:
Turn-ons can be intellectual and emotional-- they're not just physical. A personals ad can tell you (though it doesn't always) what's inside a person's head. What a person writes gives evidence of brain function. A beautiful face and a well-toned body don't give evidence of intelligence.
I see beautiful, sexy women every day-- sure, I'd like to have hot passionate sex with them. But if they're stupid, boring, or cruel people I just couldn't bear to sit near them while they attempt to carry on a conversation with me. And for me, conversation comes long before sex.
When it comes to dating, I'd rather find out that a person is intelligent, funny, and kind than physically beautiful. It's what a woman has inside that makes me go ROAR!
velo
----------------
where's the glory
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| | | | | 155. Re: Yawn, this again? | | | | by Yohan | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 11:06pm | score of 1.5 compelling | | in reply to comment 36 | | | | | |
"I don't know why a good looking woman with no issues would post an online ad."
"it's hard for me to understand why people feel they need to use the internet to meet people."
"What I don't understand is why a "normal" person would resort to it."
"Basically, it's not to your advantage to be associated with "online daters" even if you happen to not have all the negative attributes of one."
After all that and so many of your other comments on this thread, why is it so hard for me to believe you when you say:
"I meant no disrespect!"
I actually prefer internet dating to non-internet dating. It is much easier to find a lovely personality and deal with the body than find a hot body and deal with the personality. And there's plenty of spontaneity to it. Neither my girlfriend nor I were looking for love when we hooked up after meeting on a message board, but it just kind of happened. I don't know how you write, but just a few words from my special lady can get my motor running more than any glance I've ever encountered. Words can be extremely powerful if they are used properly.
If you want to really test your bravery, try getting on a plane and walking across a strange airport to meet someone face to face for the first time. That takes much more courage than casually walking across a room to talk to a total stranger. With the stranger, there's nothing invested. If you get turned down, oh well there's always the next chick over. But someone you've already invested some emotion and energy into, the stakes are so much higher. If things don't gel, then you're out more than just a potential cheap lay.
As for one's image, I really couldn't care less what most people think. If they can't handle the fact that I meet my lover over the internet, then they really aren't the type of person I want to be around. I don't have to worry about some drone looking down on me at work because of my personal life because I've been largely successful in avoiding the hallow, mindless conformity of the corporate world.
Whether you can wrap your mind around it or not, "normal"(whatever the hell that is), interesting, and attractive people are finding love and romance over the internet. They aren't inherently cowards and they aren't incapable of meeting people face to face. They just choose to live their lives in a slightly different way from you. You'll do well to treat them like human beings instead of making fun of them like a middle school jock.
When In Rome Do As The Vandals Do
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| | | | | 163. Re: Yawn, this again? | | | | by WhoAreWe | | | | at Fri 8 Nov 12:46pm | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 132 | | | | | |
No, it's about on par.
The stereotype is that "Asian" girls (and you do have to realize that not all Asian girls are the same) are "easy", while "Asian" guys have a tougher time (they have to face "racism").
The Banana Boys is a cultural view of that (It's about 4 Chinese-born Canadians with their own problems). It's not perfect, but it's got a good handle of the situation.
Colorblind? Why would I ever want to be willfully blind?
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| | | | | 166. Re: Yawn, this again? | | | | by eduardo | | | | at Fri 8 Nov 7:28pm | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 163 | | | | | |
The stereotype is that "Asian" girls (and you do have to realize that not all Asian girls are the same) are "easy", while "Asian" guys have a tougher time (they have to face "racism").
Indeed. My issue is not with asian women but white guys who like them. Some of my shyest aquaintances went for asian girls because (I am convinced) on a subconcious level they felt dominant because of race, and expected the girls to be submissive. For about half of them, the chicks didn't live up to the expectations and caused these silly guys much heartache (they wanted a pet kitten, but they ended up with a vixen.)
Indeed, I have no issues with Asian women or Asian men whatsoever. My issue is with white guys who somehow look down on Asian women and therefore have the nerve to talk to them whereas they dont have the guts for others. It's the racism on their part that sickens me. Asian people themselves are cool. That's why I very much reespect my ex's current man. He's an Asian guy, but he's got the balls to say "I don't give a fuck if you think it's not my place, I will go after what I WANT AND DESERVE" and went for a very beautuful white girl. I respect that kinds of balls very much.
J'ai une petite amie avec des tres, tres grandes tetons.
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| | | | | 167. Re: Yawn, this again? | | | | by jennyroo | | | | at Sat 9 Nov 11:39am | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 36 | | | | | |
I don't know why a good looking woman with no issues would post an online ad.
Because a good looking woman is used to being judged (and even harassed) by her appearance. Perhaps she wants someone to like her for her personality (hint: personality cant be found in her cleavage)?
By meeting women in real life, one ensures that that animal attraction is there. Then you subject the person to personality criteria checks, etc. By doing the on-line thing, it seems as if you eliminate that purely animal aspect of it. By the time you meet a person, you're too interested in their personality to give consideration to that chemical hormonal spark that makes people approach the one they want in a crowded room.
Er, unless really getting to know a woman as a person turns you off, your argument doesnt make much sense to me. Physical attraction (i.e. that spark that makes you ROAR) is necessary for a great relationship, but from my own personal experience getting to know a person before all the hormones get in the way is a good thing. Have you never let your loins rule your mate-choosing process, only to find out down the road after the sex wore off that you made the dumbest mistake of your life? I know I have, and women, on whole, generally are better at not listening to their crotch. I have plenty of guy friends who have been boondoggled by a hot chick who turned into a freak show nightmare once time wore on, and wished to god that they had listened to a voice of reason instead of their dick.
I met a guy online, and since we lived very far apart we spent several months getting to know each other... when we finally hooked up in person there was more ROAR than there ever could have possibly been if we'd spied each other drunk across the bar. And we also knew what the other liked, so the sex was outrageous.
I dont hang out with that guy anymore, but I dont think meeting online has anything to do with it. Just because you meet someone in person doesnt mean you are meeting the "real" him, people have a way of presenting themselves in the best light no matter what the medium. Sure, you may think it easier to lie online, but what about the girls with the hair extentions, push-up bra, fake nails, platform shoes, pounds of makeup... she's not being any more real than some "dork" chatting you up online.
who've met their loves on the internet/mail order catalogs
Its rather disingenous to compare mail-order brides to hitting it off with someone online. Mail-order, IMHO, implies one-sidedness, a review of her stats and a purchase of an object, whereas meeting someone on the internet can be many things (from hitting it off in a chat room to a dating service), but it is never a one-sided thing, mostly due to the nature of the internet which allows both sides a review and assessment (no purchase of another human required).
Neeples. Big pink ones.
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| | | | | 175. Re: Yawn, this again? | | | | by bigeyes | | | | at Sun 10 Nov 1:52am | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 36 | | | | | |
I think it's a matter of where you live, what you do, and what kind of work you do. If you live in a big city with a lot of different fun things to do, work around a lot of people (or the public) and have an interest in sports events, maybe, you tend to meet a lot of people. When you live in a rural area, spend most of your time working on the phone from home, and like to do things like read, sleep, waste too much time on plastic, keep the kid from jumping off the roof with an umbrella because he saw it on a cartoon... you tend to meet fewer people on a day to day basis. When I was single in Dallas, I didn't get my neighbor who said she couldn't meet men...I had 'em hitting on me in the parking lot, and I lived with my boyfriend! Now, living in my little rural bubble, I can understand the difficulty a little better.
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| | | | | 42. Re: Yawn, this again? | | | | by Anonymous Idiot | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 6:44pm | score of 1 funny | | in reply to comment 40 | | | | | |
Actually I am 21. Dating a modelesque pre-med student I met in a bookstore. And who are you?
Someone who's not 16. And is laughing at you.
Keep it up! Graduate with great GPA! It's the only way to avoid community college, where there are no cool people!
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| | | | | 73. Re: Yawn, this again? | | | | by Ernest333 | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 7:48am | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 21 | | | | | |
Ever notice that good looking people with a good sense of self never have this complaint? The real reason is cowardice.
What the hell is this supposed to mean?
"good looking" people have an easier time finding dates because they have more courage, and the only reason less "good looking" people aren't as successful is cowardice??
Fuck you, you fascist.
government + religion = taliban
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| | | | | 75. Re: Yawn, this again? | | | | by eduardo | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 8:20am | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 73 | | | | | |
No fuck you.
Plenty of my male friends who aren't GQ models (as opposed to my friend george who is one) have the balls to approach women in the real world. They know women don't swoon when they walk in the room, but their attitude and charisma goes a lot way. If you know you're worth something, you can act like you're worth something. If you know you're worth nothing, go do a google for "internet bride"
J'ai une petite amie avec des tres, tres grandes tetons.
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| | | | | 112. Re: Yawn, this again? | | | | by b10hazrd | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 12:57pm | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 75 | | | | | |
Great, so because even though I have decent self esteem and lokk pretty good and take care of myself, but have little time to date in grad school and am a bit shy talking to women, I'm a worthless coward? You are not a fascist cookiepus, but your comment do seem to mark you as quite arrogant.
Sincerely,
Kevin Christie
crispiewm@hotmail.com
"The crowning intellectual accomplishment of the brain is the real world..."--George Miller - Psychologist
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| | | | | 119. Re: Yawn, this again? | | | | by eduardo | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 1:36pm | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 112 | | | | | |
Shy to talk to women = coward.
Why would a woman want you if you're not even man enough to have approached her face to face?
As for grad school - seems like a situation where you're surrounded by hundreds of women of inteligence and approximately your age: so I don't think the internet is a required dating tool except to account for cowardice.
I don't know what fascism has to do with it. Do whatever you want. I am not saying internet dating should be outlawed (as a crime against Darwin, may be). I am just saying I don't respect people who resort to it.
J'ai une petite amie avec des tres, tres grandes tetons.
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| | | | | 131. Re: Yawn, this again? | | | | by b10hazrd | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 2:05pm | score of 1.5 | | in reply to comment 119 | | | | | |
"As for grad school - seems like a situation where you're surrounded by hundreds of women of inteligence and approximately your age: so I don't think the internet is a required dating tool except to account for cowardice."
Well, as I posted later in this thread - time is one factor - I work a lot, at odd hours, I don't have much time to just "hang out" with women. Most of the women I see are those in my department, and there just aren't many women that I come into contact with regularly that I'm attracted to - the one I did, has pretty much ignored me and my attempts to get to know her better.
Most other grad student women are busy themselves, in their own departments. Women at coffeeshops are usually busy studying, or are there already with boyfriends and girlfriends, and are not looking to really socialize oustide of that.
And the point is using the term "coward" implies more than just "unduly afraid of something" - coward implies some true flaw in a person's morality or personality - like the difference between calling someone "argumentative" versus a "jerk" or "ass". It's not a comment on behavior, it's an INSULT.
You may not respect people for resorting to internet dating - it's your choice to think what's good/acceptable to you should apply to everyone. On the other hand, it's my perogative to say that you are an arrogant ass for that opinion, especially when you don't know me, or most of the others here personally.
Sincerely,
Kevin Chrisitie
crispiewm@hotmail.com
"The crowning intellectual accomplishment of the brain is the real world..."--George Miller - Psychologist
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| | | | | 137. Re: Yawn, this again? | | | | by Arcane Gazebo | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 2:26pm | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 119 | | | | | |
Shy to talk to women = coward.
It's undoubtedly a waste of time for me to attempt to explain this, but nevertheless: Shyness has very little to do with fear and everything to do with discomfort. Shy people like myself avoid social situations not because we are scared of other people, but because we find these situations unbearably awkward and uncomfortable. Obviously this distinction is not apparent to you. If I find approaching random strangers for conversation an unpleasant experience, how does it make me a coward to try to meet people in a more structured environment, especially if it allows me to avoid the personality types that I'm uninterested in?
It's not good, Eric. It's a gazebo.
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| | | | | 144. Re: Yawn, this again? | | | | by eduardo | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 5:28pm | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 137 | | | | | |
Shyness has very little to do with fear and everything to do with discomfort. Shy people like myself avoid social situations not because we are scared of other people, but because we find these situations unbearably awkward and uncomfortable. Obviously this distinction is not apparent to you. If I find approaching random strangers for conversation an unpleasant experience, how does it make me a coward to try to meet people in a more structured environment, especially if it allows me to avoid the personality types that I'm uninterested in?
Wonderful. Ok, let's have it your way and discard the term 'cowardice.' What are you left with? "I am uncomfortable with people." BOO HOO! Guess what, that's neither good nor admirable. I don't mean to make you feel bad about yourself. You are what you are and more power to you for knowing it and dealing with it. But the point I've been trying to make all along is that shyness is not something valued in our culture (in other cultures, it is) so it's not likely you want to be pegged as "shy / socially awkward" in your exmployment environment. It can't be very good for your career. So in that sense, it is to your advantage to conceal your shyness/awkwardness, and to that end, to conceal your online dating. That's all I was saying in my original post.
But I'd also like to make another point. You're a man. As a man, you have to not be a baby, and do what you need to do. Excuses like "I am uncomfortable" ring hollow with me. I don't know about your GF/wife, but if I were a woman, I would expect my man to be strong and decisive, and I'd be turned off by a man who's intimidated .. err "made uncomfortable" .. by a little eye contact.
Call me old fashioned.
J'ai une petite amie avec des tres, tres grandes tetons.
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| | | | | 146. Re: Yawn, this again? | | | | by Arcane Gazebo | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 6:19pm | score of 1.5 | | in reply to comment 144 | | | | | |
Wonderful. Ok, let's have it your way and discard the term 'cowardice.' What are you left with? "I am uncomfortable with people." BOO HOO! Guess what, that's neither good nor admirable.
Oh, calm down, cookiepus; I'm not looking for some sort of validation from you. I was just challenging your insulting claim that shyness should be equated with cowardice. I see you are willing to grant me that as long as you can find some other way to insult me. I never claimed that shyness is good or admirable; in fact, it can be rather inconvenient at times. But it doesn't deserve the level of contempt you're displaying.
So in that sense, it is to your advantage to conceal your shyness/awkwardness, and to that end, to conceal your online dating. That's all I was saying in my original post.
That's not at all what you were saying in your original post. You said, "it makes sense to be ashamed of it anyway." Not that one should strategically conceal it so that it doesn't negatively impact his career, but that one should be ashamed of it. This implies that it's a bad thing irrespective of how our culture views it.
You're a man. As a man, you have to not be a baby, and do what you need to do. Excuses like "I am uncomfortable" ring hollow with me.
So instead of calling a coward, you're calling me a baby. Great. And what's this about excuses? What was I making excuses for in my post? That I am uncomfortable in certain social situations is a statement of fact, not an excuse for anything.
I don't know about your GF/wife, but if I were a woman, I would expect my man to be strong and decisive, and I'd be turned off by a man who's intimidated .. err "made uncomfortable" .. by a little eye contact.
Are you just making up reasons to insult me, or what? Show me what I said that indicates that I am not strong or decisive. In fact, what do either of those qualities have to do with shyness at all? Is your need to feel superior to me so strong that you invent character flaws for me?
Call me old fashioned.
I think "asshole" is more appropriate.
It's not good, Eric. It's a gazebo.
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| | | | | 182. Re: Yawn, this again? | | | | by jennyroo | | | | at Sun 10 Nov 1:15pm | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 119 | | | | | |
Why would a woman want you if you're not even man enough to have approached her face to face?
The last kind of guy I'm interested in is the one who slithers up to me in a bar (happened last night as a matter of fact) without even trying to make eye contact to see if I'm interested and then proceeds to put the mack down on my ass, assuming that my sole purpose for being there is to bat my eyes at him. Worst. Lines. Ever. See, the kind of guy I'm interested in is the guy who went to the bar to jam on the Beatles coverband and have a good time with his friends (just like I did), not the guy on a mission for poontang. I dont find it cowardly to not interrupt my evening out with the girls, I find it arrogant and obnoxious to assume I do want to talk to whomever manages to block my view of the stage and can throw a few practiced bullshit sentences my way.
Oh, and just because you cant get over the fact that an online dating service is just one of many ways to meet people online doesnt make everyone who disagrees with you a coward.
That said, I have met people thru an ad I placed. The kind of people I like, not the kind of people you think everyone needs to be in order not to be labeled a coward. It was an ad for a roommate. Does that make me a housing coward, for not walking up and down he streets and ringing a bell at the first "For Rent" sign I saw, or does the cowardly thing only include people looking for romance or sex online?
Neeples. Big pink ones.
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| | | | | 86. Re: Yawn, this again? | | | | by xombii | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 10:13am | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 21 | | | | | |
I didn't read the responses to your comment that came above mine but regardless of what they said, I now have to slap your around a little bit.
There may be many men/women who are victims of cowardice or desperation and these are the things that drove them to place/answer an ad. Me, I was looking to broaden my horizons. In my city alone there are more women than I could ever hope to meet just walking up and introducing myself, believe me, I tried. I was dating 3 different women at the time my future fiance answered my ad, all met by taking "the big risk" and walking right up to them. They were all women who made my heart race or I wouldn't have approached them, though I didn't think any of them to be "unattainable". If you lump women into attainable/unattainable categories all you're doing is limiting your options due to issues you need to work out for yourself.
So, in conclusion, don't assume that just because someone answers or places a personal ad they're a coward or a desperate soul with no guts. Some of us are just thinking outside the night club.
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| | | | | | 22. Worked for me, sho'nuff | | | | by Shonuff | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 3:20pm | score of 1 | | | | | | |
Hi, I'm HotTaMolly's biatch.
We met through Nerve personals. She had a boyfriend and was just looking for a friend (they have a 'Just Friends' option there); I posted a picture of myself at age 5 with the headline: "20/M/LOL!!1" I figured if anyone found this humorous, they could possibly be worth a talkin' to. One day whilst surfing the ads, I found her. She seemed swell, so I sent her a note figuring it'd be, at best, a month or two before I got a response. She e-mailed me two hours later. We became obsessed with each other online and over the phone; she dumped her boyfriend; I told a couple of other girls I was interested in that I just wanted to be friends; and two months after that first e-mail, I boarded a plane and we've literally been together every day since. (I flew up to meet her last year, December 11th.)
Online personals worked for us, but of course they don't work for everyone. If I had met her in a grocery store, we wouldn't be posting in this thread. At the end of the day, it's just about what works best for you. I actually revel in telling people how I met my fiancee. I'm happy that we're together, I'm happy about the monstrous risks we both took, and I'm happy about where we are today.
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| | | | | | 57. Re: Worked for me, sho'nuff | | | | by Hound | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 9:00pm | score of 3 funny | | in reply to comment 34 | | | | | |
Speaking as a person who has been dumped for an online acquaintance, I have to say that I think this online dating stuff is ridiculous and horribly nerdy.
Look, there's a well-established heirarchy for who gets to pick on who about how they met their date:
People who met at church, work, or school get to pick on people who met at bars.
People who met at bars get to pick on people who met through singles ads.
People who met through singles ads get to pick on people who met through on-line singles ads.
People who met in on-line singles ads get to pick on people who met at science fiction conventions.
People who met at science fiction conventions get to pick on people who met at Star Trek conventions.
People who met at Star Trek conventions get to pick on people who met at furry conventions.
People who met at furry conventions get to pick on people who met at work, church, or school.
Hope that clears everything up.
Hound
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| | | | | | 23. rethinking my position. | | | | by oysterboysal | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 3:22pm | score of 3.5 funny | | | | | | |
I'm always getting email from hot 19 year old cheerleaders who want to meet me and I have always deleted those emails because of the stigma attached to online dating.
Maybe I need to give it a chance.
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| | | | | | 24. Interesting | | | | by greta | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 3:23pm | score of 1 | | | | | | |
We didn't meet on the 'Net, but much of our early romance was cultivated via instant message and lengthy emails to eachother. I think that unlike talking face to face, you take the time to more fully realize your comments when you are writing them down (or typing them out) and therefore you express more of yourself to your partner. People aren't as likely to write "love letters" these days, but more likely to write emails.
Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, I'm a dumbass
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| | | | | | 26. What online dating (and personals) are great at... | | | | by Calloused_Foot | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 3:36pm | score of 1 | | | | | | |
...is setting up situations where sex, but not a relationship is desired. Especially if you have certain fetishes, or requirements. A friend tried to push me to try an online service, but I (obviously aware of the stigma) refused. His response? "Nobody said anything about a girlfriend. It's great for getting laid." And judging from the stories I hear from him, it works.
PS - I never overcame my inhibitions about it, and to this day have never tried it.
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| | | | | | 27. hmmm | | | | by lunadoodle | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 3:38pm | score of 1 | | | | | | |
I don't know about these dating services, but i met the man i married online. We were on a mu* and just friends who decided to meet up. The rest as they say is history. It is awkward to tell people we met online, but we just tell them. I think the only reason there's a stigma is because so many people are ashamed of it. Once we tell people they think it's cool.
So maybe confidence ,not time, is the solution to this stigma.
Just a thought.
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| | | | | | 126. Re: hmmm | | | | by Katfish | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 1:54pm | score of 1.5 novel | | in reply to comment 27 | | | | | |
We were on a mu* and just friends who decided to meet up.
I wondered how far down I'd have to read before finding a post that makes this distinction (about 2/3 of they way, as of this writing). It's always surprised me that so few people - even those who spend lots of time online - seem to think of "meeting online" only in terms of personal ads.
I met my husband on a local BBS. We started out conversing online, mostly as part of group discussions. Then some of us started meeting weekly at a coffee shop - just a bunch of friends who hung out together (now both online and off). We were both unhappily involved with others when we became friends, and only started dating later. Most of the guests at our wedding were from the BBS.
This seems to me like a perfectly natural, normal, healthy way to start a relationship. Really, it's the way people have been encouraged to do it for generations: Meet someone with a common interest, hang out in a group, become friends first, date and fall in love. Annette Funicello at the malt shop couldn't be more wholesome.
But when I mention that we initially met online, I always get the same reaction. I was going to say that the reactions varied slightly depending on people's age, but really they don't. Everyone is shocked that I would dare to meet anyone this way - not just a date, but any person. 'Cause that internet's all full of creeps and weirdos, you know. They all say they would never be able to take such a terrible risk. And secretly they wonder what kind of weirdo creep I must be to do it.
Actually, my husband and I have met the majority of our friends online. We know exactly where to look to find people who share our interests (and, just as importantly, our intellectual level). Geography is never an obstacle to a great conversation. We've traveled to places we never thought we'd see thanks to having friends already there to welcome us.
When I think of "meeting new people in person," I imagine standing on a street corner, trying to strike up conversations with every random stranger who passes by. You have no control over who will show up, how they'll react to you, whether you'll have anything in common - and if they're creepy you can't just push a button to make them go away.
Yes, I'm exaggerating; I do occasionally get out of the house. But really, compared to that, what's so boogety-boogety about getting to know people through their words first, from the comfort of your own home, before deciding if you want to see them at all?
I have the same opinion of electronic personal ads as I do of printed ones. I've never placed one or answered one, so I don't have any firsthand experience. For all their desperate, lurid reputation (whether deserved or not), people keep using them. They must be doing something right.
You can't put too much water in a nuclear reactor.
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| | | | | | 29. Think of the children! | | | | by skuunk | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 3:49pm | score of 1 | | | | | | |
While I am heartened by the fact that (according to this discussion anyways) so many previously single people are now meeting their significant others online (and getting married by the looks of it) I almost feel that we should follow this up with a discussion on contraception.
Overall though, if it makes you happy, then it can't be bad.
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| | | | | | 32. Generational perspective | | | | by Aiella | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 4:29pm | score of 2 informative | | | | | | |
I've been married for the past 3 years to a guy I met through match.com. While I wouldn't say we have the perfect marriage, we're happy together, like the same things, and make a great team. I've always felt that we both applied very careful criteria to "selecting" one another, and that we both matured personally as a result of making a choice in that way.
I have never told my parents about it because I just don't think they would understand - but I'm up front with my kids, sibs, friends, and colleagues (some of whom are into online dating too).
Any method of meeting people carries risks. Going to parties, meeting people though activities or friends, bumping into people at the park or trysting at work - all of these carry a slight risk that you'll end up in a sticky situation with a weirdo. When I was using a Web dating service, I figured that you have to tailor the ways in which you protect yourself from harm specifically to the environment you're in. It's easier to lie about yourself over the internet than in other situations, and so I think that gives Web dating a somewhat sleazy image, as well as favoring extra caution.
That said, I never have been able to see anything wrong with it. There's nothing wrong with letting others know you're available and what you're up for. The Web is a great remedy for a lack of opportunity to make contact with other like-minded people. I found it a convenient and absorbing way to have a social life that did not interfere with my kids' lives. One of my girlfriends jokingly called it "man shopping."
So why don't I tell my parents about it? I guess the fact that my dad has never touched a computer in his life has something to do with it. For my parents and step-parents, "meeting someone" means you exchange glances at a church social, or you get introduced over a staged dinner party by a sympathetic friend. The idea of casting such a wide net is equated with poor moral standards. My kids, on the other hand, all think it's a great idea. It's largely about what you're used to, hence the generational angle.
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| | | | | | 37. ...or just club 'em & drag 'em to the cave? | | | | by minxwhothinks | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 5:59pm | score of 1 | | | | | | |
Just because church socials and arranged marriages worked for previous generations doesn't mean they continue to be relevant for contemporary life. I met my current significant other online. We would have never met through "traditional" means because neither of us drinks or goes to bars. Nor do we live near our families or large circles of friends. I live in a very conservative community (miles away from him) that does not offer the readings, art happenings and alternative entertainment we both enjoy. How could I have met such a clever and sexy smartypants otherwise?
I will say that the big "general interest" dating sites like match.com are full of the same jocks and airheads you'd find at the local mall-bar, but nerve.com has some brilliant folks that fit my demographic: older, professional, brainy and liberal.
Through online dating I have met and gone out with a rock star, an author, a movie producer and an electrical engineer (who was hotter than the other 3 put together).
If I wasn't so happy with my current squeeze, I'd be back there again - It's the most fun dating I've ever had!
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| | | | | | 74. Re: ...or just club 'em & drag 'em to the cave? | | | | by Aiella | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 7:50am | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 37 | | | | | |
Hehe - can't help laughing about the "club 'em and drag 'em to a cave" hed.
About "church socials and arranged marriages" - that's my point. As an atheist, wild horses couldn't drag me to a church social, for one thing. My contemporaries, for the most part, understand why online dating is a reasonable solution to a common social problem. For Mum and Dad, it's anathema to them.
I don't know what Match.com is like now, but back in 1997 I'm sure it was more rarefied just because fewer people were online then. Sure, I kissed a couple frogs (great if frogs are your thing but they're not for me), and ultimately met someone who was a pretty good prince candidate - not for everyone, but certainly for me. In general I'd agree with you, though, about picking your venue carefully. Just as in "real life."
And you're right - it is a whole lot of fun, too. hehe.
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| | | | | 81. Re: ...or just club 'em & drag 'em to the cave? | | | | by sulli | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 9:42am | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 74 | | | | | |
Match sucks. It asks for your income and what income you want in your partner. That alone made me click away.
Nerve/Salon (Onion/FuckedCompany), now, that's the good stuff.
Tout abus sera puni
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| | | | | 91. Re: ...or just club 'em & drag 'em to the cave? | | | | by Aiella | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 10:48am | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 81 | | | | | |
Whoa! That's a change from five years ago. Pretty crass too. But I am a bit behind the times, as it were. As a Nerve reader I would probably use their personals if the need arose - they are "smarter than the average personal, Boo Boo..."
(hey, I can window shop...)
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| | | | | | | 43. It's strange... | | | | by ksu93 | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 6:47pm | score of 1 | | | | | | |
...but for some reason I love telling the story about how drunk I was when I met my wife. You'd think that would be far worse than saying you met over the internet, but it always gets a good chuckle out of people.
"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." -Ambrose Bierce
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| | | | | | 51. My experience... | | | | by rantor | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 7:44pm | score of 1 | | | | | | |
Okay, my girlfriend and I have a damn fine story of how we got together. I'll not tell it in its entirety, suffice it to say that it involves being in high school, being cast as husband and wife in a play together, her having a boyfriend in college, and my being a much sneakier bastard than I look. It's the sort of story that makes grown men cock their heads to the side and go, "aaaaw."
But, some of it takes place on the Internet. Some of our first flirting occurred on-line (six years ago, yikes, maybe we really were geeks...anyway), and perhaps the "aaaaw"-i-est moment involves some furiously typed lines of poetry (no I shan't recite them here as they are poopie-crappy).
Now, when people ask us how we met, and she tells them (and I listen with that far away look on my face)...I cringe whenever e-mail and IMs are mentioned. It really burns my ass to hear that. Not "he sent me a letter" but "he wrote me this e-mail." Arrgh!
Now, is there any good reason for this? No. None. When the whole story is told it is a relatively small part, but deep down all I can think is, "Fergodsakes, AOL?" Is there any reason why the sentiment meant/means less when communicated electronically rather than hand-written and perfume-soaked? There shouldn't be, but there is.
Possible reasons:
The geek factor. The Internet can't shake its image as a place to find a game of D&D and look at porno. Internet relationships are therefore suspect by association.
It ain't personal. My girlfriend has printouts of our e-mails to one another. You know what, it just isn't the same. Even if I had written them on a computer and printed it out, I would have held the paper, and then passed it to her. There's something missing.
Now, might we (meaning everyone) get over this...I don't know if I want us to. I like the fact that people are smashed together randomly in the real world, rather than electronically matched. Yes, it can be a messy process, but dammit, shouldn't it be messy? Maybe I'm a sentimentalist, or a romantic, or whatever...but I like the fact that finding a mate (for me) wasn't the same as filling out a survey.
Does this mean people who meet over the Internet should be ashamed? Yes. I mean no, no. Of course not. There is, perhaps, an even, a more romantic element in Internet dating. In Microserfs two characters fall in love via e-mail. They don't even know what sex the other is. "What if he's a middle-aged guy in a diaper?" a friend asks. The reply: "Such is love."
I think hearing that two people fell in love sight-unseen, and meeting physically was just the final bit might make me cock my head and go "aaaaw."
You're going to have to excuse me...I'm a little verklempt.
At the final shot he won the war, after losing every battle.
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| | | | | | 54. A regular font of romance | | | | by sglover910 | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 8:18pm | score of 1.5 clever | | in reply to comment 51 | | | | | |
> My girlfriend has printouts of our e-mails to one another. You know what, it just isn't the same. Even if I had written them
> on a computer and printed it out, I would have held the paper, and then passed it to her. There's something missing.
Naw, you're just using the wrong font. Print your missives in one of those cute scrolly fonts, and you'll look like Shakespeare. Want to look sophisticated and cosmopolitan? Let the Symbol font make your words look like they came from Aristotle himself! If you lean toward naughtier correspondence, and you don't want anyone else to know what words seduced your honey, Zapf Dingbats is a wonderful way to keep things discreet.
Hope this helps!
An argument isn't merely nay-sayings and contradictions! M. Python
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| | | | | 59. Re: A regular font of romance | | | | by sglover910 | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 9:47pm | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 58 | | | | | |
> A girlfriend once sent me a postcard she had printed in Zapf Dingbats. Took me half an hour to decode. No kidding.
Ummmmm..... She must've been one helluva girlfriend. Or at least I hope so. Anyway, I can tell that she wasn't a flake. ;)
I also hope the card was worth translating, and not one of those content-free messages -- "This card says nothing". I hate getting those on birthdays and X-mas.....
An argument isn't merely nay-sayings and contradictions! M. Python
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| | | | | | 55. You think that's bad ... | | | | by quacksalve | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 8:20pm | score of 1 | | | | | | |
... I did meet my husband (of 9 years now) at a drunken frat party. It's like saying we met at a funeral. I should start lying and saying we met online -- that would be a step up in coolness. I do plan on lying to my kids about it. I think I'll tell them we met at a wedding, or that I was running down the street holding a cake and smacked into him, or that he approached me as a sat in a cafe drinking a glass of white wine. More acceptable suggestions welcome.
I wish I believed in God; then I could legitimately pass it off as an arranged marriage, since someone intended for us to get together!
(I am a nerd)
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| | | | | | 60. All about expectations | | | | by acomj | | | | at Wed 6 Nov 9:55pm | score of 1 | | | | | | |
A lot of people have a lot of outside pressure from family and friends about what they "should" be doing, and how they should lead there life. There are lots of societal pressures about how we should live, interact etc. This ostrasizes people who arent currently coupled into thinking they're is something wrong with them. This is the same preasure that in the past made gay's get into disasterous mariages. You should be sure enough about yourself to not be pressured.
I have realatives who are "full" armenians. You should seen the reaction when they brought home dates that wern't armenian... fun, especially funny from aunts who never married. I'm mixed already so I escape some of the scrutiny.
I'm currently "living in sin" with my girlfriend. I know this rubs some members of my family the wrong way, but I don't worry about it anymore. It's our decision and we have to live with each other everyday not them.
A lot of people look at internet dating as wrong, because it's new and not exactly "romantic" and doesn't fit into the circle of friends notion of meeting. These are busy times for people so why not? It seems better than bars. Who knows, it may turn out to be more successful than any other way of meeting. I have a friend who's doing it and seems to get a lot of dates.They haven't worked out (maybe something about truth in advertising is hurting him..)
In conclusion, who really cares HOW as long as you are HAPPY.
enjoy the chaos
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| | | | | | 64. I'll admitit - I'm looking now.... | | | | by b10hazrd | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 12:00am | score of 1 | | | | | | |
I'm a grad student, and don't have much time to "go out" - I'd prefer to go out with people I already know and like rather than go out alone and "look" for someone, and possibly waste the little free time I have to spend it alone.
I'm also kinda shy at just "talking" to women. It may be just me, but I feel that modern US culture has made me think that just approaching and trying to TALK to a cute woman I see at local bars or coffeeshops will cause her to immediately think I'm some kind of freak and stalker or something, and she'll just say "Get away from me, did I INVITE you to speak to me?" Call me silly, but every time I see a girl and want to talk to her, I get scared like this. I've spoken to people from Europe and such, and they've agreed - men in the US just don't go up and talk to women here - at least if they are attracted to them.
I had a great group of friends, and a very satisfying relationship with my ex (almost 3 years) at my undergrad school, but left those all behind on the east coast. The social structure here at UIUC is different, and I can't meet people the same way. Bars are too loud and smokey to meet new people (though I enjoy going for a drink with friends), and most of the girls at my favorite coffeeshops always seem to be very busy, or there with boyfriends and other girlfriends anyways.
Thus, I tried looking at some personals sites (after some recommendations from an old friend). The larger, general ones (Yahoo, Match.com) don't really appeal to me - I'm looking for a geeky, intelligent student type like a lot of plasticians - but I'm quite heartened at the Onion/Nerve/Salon personals (same company for all three). Even here in Champaign-Urbana there seem to be a good number of cute, attractive, and quirky (in a good way) women. At the moment, I want to get a decent picture to put my ad there, before I contact anyone first. I must say that I am also feel better about this by all the good stories here, and I really hope that this works out, as I've been quite lonely here since I started grad school.
Sincerely,
Kevin Christie
crispiewm@hotmail.com
"The crowning intellectual accomplishment of the brain is the real world..."--George Miller - Psychologist
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| | | | | | 67. Re: I'll admitit - I'm looking now.... | | | | by kun | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 1:03am | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 64 | | | | | |
Haha...that reminded me of a phenomenon that only recently just died out at my school (sorry the haha came out all wrong). A few months ago if you liked a girl and were too afraid to admit it, you'd simply stare at her as prominently as possible until everyone around you noticed and rumours start spreading and people start asking you "So, how are the two of you getting along". And what do you know, once it goes too far she actually starts speaking to you, and if you are lucky the two of you get along and...you know all the rest.
Of course, it stopped when people realised that relationships formed this way attracts a lot of 'paparazzi' attention...
Is the best government meritocratic or democratic? God is neither.
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| | | | | | 65. No more short talk | | | | by kun | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 12:47am | score of 1 | | | | | | |
From what I see (not that I have prior experience in the first place - I've got no time) the attractive thing about online dating is that one can quickly bypass the layers of surface talk and finding topics of interest common to both, because that has already been done by the server. It may seem somewhat lazy, but it beats getting 50 dates and dumping/getting dumped by all 50 of them because they didn't click (pun intended) with me.
But of course online dating still misses the personal touch and individuality of your potential life partner (AlTeRnAtE letter sizes and l33t talk do not count).
Here in Singapore, many people still look upon online dating with disdain partly because of the security issues related to it. If a girl says she met a really nice guy online, people look at her as if the next time she talked to them she would be crying rape. If a guy says he met a really nice girl online, people look at him as if they expect to see his face in the newspapers with the word 'rapist' in the headlines.
Is the best government meritocratic or democratic? God is neither.
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| | | | | | 70. Re: No more short talk | | | | by LeighBCD | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 4:33am | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 65 | | | | | |
I have always found Americans are much more matter-of-fact about on-line dating. The rest of the world has not really caught up on this score; it is seen as a stigma, a sign that you are desperate in some way. I have met several Americans over the years who were very open about the fact that they dated on-line - none of these people were ugly or lacking in social graces at all - it was a total eye-opener.
I never tried on-line dating but if and when I am single, I might give it a go. This whole discussion has piqued my interest big-time.
To rose-lipt maidens and lightfoot lads
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| | | | | | 69. I would like to try it | | | | by Propella Mermaid | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 4:27am | score of 1 | | | | | | |
I would like to try on-line dating. But I am scared of meeting a psycho. I know I could as easily meet a psycho in a bar or at the bus-stop so this fear is totally irrational. The reality for me is that while I would tell my friends I was having a date with a guy I met in a bar, I would not tell them I was meeting a guy I met through an on-line ad. I would be too embarrassed. Thus I could be raped and murdered and nobody would be the wiser.
I wish I was braver.
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| | | | | | 117. Re: I would like to try it | | | | by MacGabhain | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 1:28pm | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 69 | | | | | |
Actually, if you use this discussion as a cross section, all of the psychos are the ones who think meeting someone on the internet is sick and wrong.
Of course, there are psychos on the internet as well. But, since you weed out the "I'm better than all women, so of course I'm confident and don't need the internet" group, there should be a slight drop in the ratio of psychos to non-psychos when going online. After all, all of the self-proclaimed "cool" types aren't there.
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| | | | | 177. Re: I would like to try it | | | | by snarkism | | | | at Sun 10 Nov 2:49am | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 117 | | | | | |
But, since you weed out the "I'm better than all women, so of course I'm confident and don't need the internet" group, there should be a slight drop in the ratio of psychos to non-psychos when going online. After all, all of the self-proclaimed "cool" types aren't there.
touché
snarkism
That's using your ass.
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| | | | | | 71. This is only half of it | | | | by LeighBCD | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 4:37am | score of 1 | | | | | | |
In addition to phobias about admitting to on-line dating, the other thing people never admit to is anonymous cyber-sex. When is that activity going to come out of the closet?
To rose-lipt maidens and lightfoot lads
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| | | | | | 79. Re: This is only half of it | | | | by LadyHermit | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 8:57am | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 71 | | | | | |
Have you ever actually tried cybersex? I don't know about you guys out there, but for me it was a major yawner. "Ooh, baby, yeah, ya big stud, do it to me, ah" I'd rather read Forum letters where I don't have to pretend I care and I can just flip to the next to story if the first one isn't doing it for me. And just what is it with guys and cyber bondage? Ugh.
some people don't know enough to know that they just don't get it
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| | | | | | 82. really? | | | | by stephenc | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 9:50am | score of 1.5 astute | | | | | | |
There are actually people who meet their future significant other on a dance floor at 3am? Dance clubs have always seemed rather anonymous and unfriendly to me, and how the hell do you talk to someone when the music is that loud anyway?
--Crow
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| | | | | | 108. Re: really? | | | | by ryansupak | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 12:11pm | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 82 | | | | | |
regarding the danceclub issue, externally i think the whole scene looks unfriendly. i certainly can see where you're coming from in thinking that.
i think i come from a slightly unusual perspective since my stereotypically-dorky love of electronics and of music composition and arrangement eventually caused me to gravitate toward regularly DJing in mainstream dance clubs, since that is a very populist method of combining both loves.
my exposure to both the "cool" and "uncool" worlds has led me to believe that it isn't an "i'm better than you" air that the dance clubbers are trying to exude. it's more of a "i hope you'll accept me, i want to be regarded as OK too" air.
furthermore, i think 80% of the people there (especially the club-going women) are just out to have fun. not bad-for-the-soul, exploitative, promiscuous, dishonest, fun, just a few honest laughs and some good exercise and some funtime music listening.
to my more "cerebral" friends, i like to put it in terms of the groundlings at the globe theater: it's just goofy, flawed, unpretentious folks out for an honest good time just like any "cerebral" person at the local hipster teahouse on a friday night.
as far as degrees of social ineptitude and insecurity go, i'd say the average clubgoer is no more or less well-off than the average chatroom goer or online dater. i really believe that these are different idioms of searching for exactly the same types of unconditional acceptance and unity. (sorry if that last bit sounded too much like deepak chopra.)
another bit that some "cerebral" types might find surprising is that i've found "clubbers" to have just as many intelligent insights, and various other symbolic trappings of intelligence, as your average "chatroomer".
anyway, just the findings i've had in my travels. i say, "let's bring the frathouse and the computer lab together!"
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| | | | | | 96. Love at first ... byte? | | | | by wrestlegirl | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 11:02am | score of 1.5 informative | | | | | | |
Shit, I'll get downmodded for such a crappy pun, I just know it.
Anyways.
Online dating. Done it. Had good experiences, had some not so good experiences.
Then again, I've done the bar scene, and the "friend of a friend" thing, and ... well, I've had good & not so good experiences there, too.
When I was dating someone I'd met online, I never lied about it; I like being somewhat of a geek, so there was no shame about it. As this whole internet thang becomes less a realm of the geek and more the playground of Joe Average, however, chat rooms and match.com will be just as acceptable to Grandma as meeting someone at a bar.
Or wherever.
I met my current boyfriend at a bar about a year ago. We wound up at the same parties & the like as we ran (and still do run) with the same crowd. We really got to know one another online, though; at the time I was living 300 miles away, so it was cheaper to send 20 or 30 emails back & forth every day. I won't lie about the fact that I still have the emails, having saved them like I saved notes in high school.
The way I look at it, it's just a natural progression in our hard-wired instincts. We want to find a suitable mate who will provide the genes for offspring likliest to thrive, and we want to find these mates as efficiently as possible. Just because some romancing happens in the virtual world doesn't mean a relationship is any less valid (in an instinctual or a spiritual manner.) Just because we spent hours IRCing doesn't mean I love my boyfriend any less than someone I had no online interaction with.
So tell the critics to fuck off and get laid.
...and she was.
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| | | | | | 98. One tale from the front | | | | by paytonc | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 11:15am | score of 1 | | | | | | |
I was casually flirting with some guy on the train one morning, as I usually do. A few weeks later, though, I got an email from him through an online service.
So, of course, I tell everyone I met him on the train. I mean, that's every city dweller's great hope, no?
- pc
draft all SUV drivers
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| | | | | | 102. One clear advantage to on-line interaction | | | | by sglover910 | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 11:46am | score of 1 | | | | | | |
I don't think anyone's mentioned this, and maybe it's somewhat off-topic.
Let's say you're at some random location, the street, a grocery, the subway, and you see that special somebody. Let's say you're impulsive enough to introduce yourself and start some chit-chat. And let's say there are hints of mutual interest, or at least curiosity. Trouble is, because of the venue, one or both of you has to dash. Or perhaps you don't really have to dash, but you've exhausted your stock of witty repartee in the introduction, or you don't think it will make a good impression if you resume your panhandling routine right there, and so you make up a white lie about having to dash. But you want to get at least a little tendril of communication going....
Odds are your new friend will be justifiably reluctant to give out her phone number, with such a slight acquaintance -- after all, Ted Bundy was supposed to excel at making a good first impression. But practically everybody (at least everybody with a tenth of a brain) is comfortable giving out their e-mail address. Once you've got that, love/affection/degradation (whatever you're both in the market for) can begin.
And of course with Google and some judicious cutting and pasting, you can make yourself look vastly more interesting and intelligent than you really are. Remember, it's the first impression that's important!
An argument isn't merely nay-sayings and contradictions! M. Python
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| | | | | | 120. Re: One clear advantage to on-line interaction | | | | by adamrice | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 1:37pm | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 102 | | | | | |
This reminds me of a story I read a while back about an interesting practice in Saudi Arabia (or perhaps some other middle-eastern country). Since there aren't a lot of opportunities for men and women to meet, men will drive around with two cellphones. When they see a woman riding in a car who catches their eye, they throw one of the cellphones into the car and call it.
Something like that could solve the problem of the woman giving out her number. The disposable cellphone is just made for this.
if irony were made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now.
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| | | | | 130. Yet another Bluetooth application | | | | by sglover910 | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 2:02pm | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 120 | | | | | |
Yow, clever Saudis. Kinda reminds me of one of those zany Japanese gadgets I heard about a while back. If you were looking for a significant other, you'd carry the thing around, and it would chime or explode or something when another similar gadget was within a certain radius. I guess if the two of you hit it off you could raise a little electronic pet together -- if those are still in fashion.
Clearly this is a problem that screams for Bluetooth (tm) technology! And it'll be here any day now, you betcha, it's right around the corner....
An argument isn't merely nay-sayings and contradictions! M. Python
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| | | | | 180. Re: One clear advantage to on-line interaction | | | | by bigeyes | | | | at Sun 10 Nov 3:00am | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 120 | | | | | |
Part of me thinks that's genius....but another part of me thinks she'd pull screaming to the side of the road he threw a bomb in my car!
Then I think about the time some guy jacked off at me while I was sitting at a stoplight in Florida...and I'm thinking I'm not going to touch anything anyone throws in my car, ever!
Eeeeeewwwww!!!!
Of course, I did hear that an old buddy of mine met his current wife when they yelled their phone numbers to eachother at a stoplight...
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| | | | | 159. Re: Truth still beats fiction | | | | by adamrice | | | | at Fri 8 Nov 8:01am | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 153 | | | | | |
Ack. That thing is no more a massager than is a bed of nails. Electrical muscle stimulation--what that does--is used to retrain muscles in physical therapy (that was my exposure to it), and is deeply unpleasant. Whoever wrote that copy put some major spin on it.
if irony were made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now.
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| | | | | 160. Re: Truth still beats fiction | | | | by sglover910 | | | | at Fri 8 Nov 8:29am | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 159 | | | | | |
Aw hell, ya burst my bubble. I was waiting for them to come up with a version uniquely suited for the special problems of male muscular tension, if you get my drift....
An argument isn't merely nay-sayings and contradictions! M. Python
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| | | | | | 103. I think it's great | | | | by aturley | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 11:52am | score of 1 | | | | | | |
A lot of people have met in line and great relationships have come out of it. My girlfriend and I met in the parking lot before going to a show, and I think we might have waited in line together. And we've spent plenty of time in lines during our relationship. In line at the the movies, in line at restaurants, in line at amusement parks.
Meeting people in line is great, because it forces you to get to know eachother. You have nothing better to do than talk, and even if there is a lull in the conversation, neither of you is going to leave because then you would loose your place in line.
I don't understand all the social stigma that surrounds the practice. Some people say it's because more people wait in lines now that at any other time in history. I don't know about that, I heard bread line is Russia were pretty long. Maybe people associate being in line with repressive governments, and this colors their view of people who meet there. But this seems really unfair.
I say go for it. Get into a line and see what happens. If it doesn't work out, you can always go back to meeting people the old fashioned way.
andy
Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between irony and sincerity.
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| | | | | | 107. Re: I think it's great | | | | by ohplease | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 12:10pm | score of 0.5 | | in reply to comment 103 | | | | | |
Bewildered anchor speaks hesitantly, as if not wanting to upset the poor comment poster: "Um, Emily, that's 'online,' not 'in line.'"
(Long pause, followed by a sheepish reply from Emily.) Oh, I'm sorry. Never mind!
Replace "Emily" with "Andy," and you have the general idea.
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| | | | | | 114. Done Both | | | | by MacGabhain | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 1:01pm | score of 1 | | | | | | |
I've been engaged twice.
The first time, my future fiancee and I met singing together in church, lost contact for a couple years, met again in grad school 60 miles away, hit it off, got engaged. Wonderful meeting story.
Unfortuately, we weren't exactly well matched. The "fate thrust us together" aspect of our meeting and re-meeting made that less than apparent for quite a while. You can't marry someone when you find each other's personality quirks bothersome. You can't marry someone who doesn't laugh at your jokes.
The second time, it was to someone I met online, on matchmaker.com. It was entirely artificial. But before we met the first time we knew quite a bit about each other. There was nothing "romantic" or "magical" about our meeting, so we had to hit it off by actually getting along.
Not only did I meet a far better match for myself with my "personal resume", as one person put it, but met I 2 or 3 other women who would have each been a better match for me than my first fiancee.
While one of my current fiancee's friends was, for a while, under the impression that we met in a bookstore, we've been completely open with how we met. My sister met her second husband the same way (who is, of course, a far better match for her than her first husband, with whom she had a wonderfully "romantic" start).
Frankly, I see nothing wrong with having met someone on line to whom I am going to be married. I see something quite wrong with considering twists of fate or coincidences to be more acceptable reasons to marry someone than legitimate compatability.
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| | | | | | 122. Plastic Personals? | | | | by jare2003 | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 1:43pm | score of 1 | | | | | | |
Maybe this is just me, but what does Carl and everyone else think about the idea of Plastic Personals?
Seeing that Nerve and Salon have this sort of option, I think it'd be a interesting idea...
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| | | | | | 168. Re: Plastic Personals? | | | | by carl | | | | at Sat 9 Nov 2:27pm | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 122 | | | | | |
Maybe this is just me, but what does Carl and everyone else think about the idea of Plastic Personals?
Call me old-fashioned, but if you want to get to know someone, send him/her a message, see where it goes.
Incapable of starting a friendly conversation, taking it from there? If that's the case, then the last thing you need is to be in any kind of "relationship."
That said, I did mean to add an optional "location" box for member profiles, whether for "meet-ups," as y'all call them, or for whatever else you choose to do. I'm fairly certain I'd just as soon not know...
Your pal,
Carl
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| | | | | | 125. finding a "match" | | | | by ohplease | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 1:51pm | score of 1 | | | | | | |
What if you could have moderation in online dating? A 1-5 rating based on quality of witticisms, fluency with language and whatnot? ("Four" for the joke about how you're looking for "love," and not "luv" of the sort one finds in, say, Foreigner songs.) Would that be too harsh and immediate?
Actually, match.com has a rating thing (a "97% match," say), based on how well they think a person is a "match" for you. The problem is, it frequently comes up with seemingly bizarre "matches." It's a primitive form of content analysis here. You'll get an arch-conservative single mom who's into skinny dipping and techno, but doesn't like people with tattoos - that is, if you're an archconservative who doesn't like tattoos, say, and if no one comes closer to your match in any other way. Oh, I'm getting confused here. Just note that match.com can induce vertigo in myriad ways.
There's something vaguely off-putting about the auto-selection besides, even if for various persons out there - those who are more expressive on paper than in person, at least at first; those who are a bit on the reserved side; those who dread bars and hate the smoke, those whose dating pool is limited due to geography or work, etc. - online dating would seem to have many advantages. And yes, you may make judgements about people in the real world based on one or two characteristics, and ignore those that don't fit your bill if you feel the need. I'm a liberal, but have found myself very attracted to a highly conservative female before, mainly because she was hilarious and flirty in a way that just clicked with me immediately. Nothing ever happened there, but she was a fun person to know. In any case, you'd have to have a survey-toting robot sorting through the women for you in bars, grocery stores, the mall, etc. to get close to the match.com experience.
Also, my own experience tells me that there are plenty of fakes on match.com and other sites too. You'll find people with issues, and people who use younger pics of themselves. I realize that there are plenty of con artists and phonies in the real world too, but you're not asked to pay $30 a month or whatever for the privilege, except maybe at dinner or gym fees, etc.
All of the above sorts of issues still make online dating seem a little odd at this point. On the other hand, maybe this just seems more like an issue to me because I live in a small city, with one mid-sized city about an hour away. But that's why I first looked into the site - it's harder to meet people when there aren't as many places to go, groups to join as there would be in a large city. Now, sorry, but no thanks, unless the service is free or much cheaper.
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| | | | | | 142. Re: finding a "match" | | | | by adamrice | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 5:12pm | score of 1 | | in reply to comment 125 | | | | | |
I think you're onto something here. Perhaps they could use something like Amazon's collaborative filtering--you know, where it says "people who like this book also liked these other books." That's actually eerily accurate. Imagine this applied to online dating. "Guys who enjoyed their dates with funvixen66 also liked these women..."
You're right, the matches these systems come up with can be bizarre, but that's because they're filtering on quantitative criteria (some of which different people quantify differently), and those don't get you halfway there.
if irony were made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now.
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| | | | | | 147. This is still an issue? | | | | by jedrek | | | | at Thu 7 Nov 6:50pm | score of 1 | | | | | | |
I'm a pretty oldschool internet user, I've been online since 1988, first via BITNET, later through Oregon State's cheap dialup accounts.
Anyway, I remember a time when admiting to meeting women online was akin to admitting to bestiality. If you did meet someone online, you'd only tell your closest friends. Hell, in those days you'd probably end up talking to a cybertransvestite. Even if they weren't, most women were.... well, as Philip Greenspun once wrote, (I'm paraphrasing, can't seem to find the page) 'short, fat, with oily hair'. Dating people you met online wasn't something you bragged about.
Fast forward to 2002. Most of the people who I remember cracking jokes at meeting someone online have dated, or are in relationships in, with people they've met online. My ex-girlfriend, who I was with for some five years, is now on-line (met through a mutual acquaintance). Even my 52 year old mother, who I was teaching to use email not more than two years ago, is dating guys she meets online. Nobody makes fun anymore, because pretty much everyone's doing it.
The write up mentions 'rationally selecting a good match online', as if selecting a good match in meat space isn't rational. I don't belive in online love, but I do belive that 'cyberspace' is just a good a place to meet people as a bar, work or a party. You're meeting people you don't know anything about, other than what they've told you. And you have to eventually meet. That's a problem for a lot of people, the first real-life meeting. (BTW, if you are meeting people online then meet with them as soon as you can. Don't put off the inevitable, if you don't click in person, don't bother wasting your time.)
That's the thing, you're meeting people online, you're not marrying them, not proposing. You shouldn't be falling in love. A lot of people get burned on that. But meeting people, what's the problem? Why is it worse than meeting someone at work, at a newsstand or on a blind date?
It's not, and that's why everybody's doing it.
p.rawda
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| | | | | | 158. Don't trust anyone over 30...no, 25...20? | | | | by tlacolotl | | | | at Fri 8 Nov 7:57am | score of 1 | | | | | | |
As one of those who just barely squeaked into the 'grew up with computers' generation (I was born in 1972, my subconscious is filled with little glowing Atari icons), I find it interesting how resistant oldsters are to the concept of online activity taking place in the 'real world'. Online and offline are BOTH REAL. (And I'm saying this as a pretty hardcore luddite; I've never owned a computer of my own...) It's them old grey-hairs that insist that things that happen on computers are somehow more deceptive than things that happen in nightclubs, shows, etc.
The thing is, is that 'spark' that happens when you meet someone in physical space is usually just a figment of your imagination, fuelled by copious amounts of Hollywood dream-engineering. It's not real -- I've 'fallen in love at first sight' a number of times, so I can attest to the amount of self-deception this kind of Victorian/Romantic dreaminess takes.
What I'm getting at is that, as other have posted here, 'the meet' is really not that important; the weeks (and months) that follow ARE.
In fact, I've grown to actually feel sorry for people who rely on their narrow offline social circles to hook up with th' booty. To me (the luddite, remember), this computer world is filled with so many mysterious, magical, unpredictable opportunities that the outside world pales in comparison. Online dating affords me possibilities to meet people I would certainly never have met before -- so don't listen to the naysayers, especially if (like me) they're over 30...
Do as thou wilt shall be the whole of thy law
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| | | | | | | 186. Canadian Girl Chatter Meets American Boy Chatter | | | | by Canuck Chick69 | | | | at Tue 12 Nov 1:35am | score of 1 | | | | | | |
I met my husband online and I did not have a problem with telling people where we met. However, I had also dated another fella that I had met OL and that was a tough issue. The credibility of it all seemed so foreign to people, but I muddled through the explanantions (this may be due to the fact that my ex-husband met someone online and left me for her...meh). I now liken my meeting with my husband to a friend of mine, who met hers through a "want ad" in the newspaper; my way of meeting my husband was just through a different medium. That being said, I still have family members who do not understand what would possess me to marry someone I had met online. Alas, it is not social activity that many people understand. Perhaps, in time, it will be the only alternative way to meet.
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